It’s been four weeks. Four weeks since we lost you. Four weeks since you took your final breaths. Four weeks since I spoke to you for the last time. Four weeks since my life changed forever. Four weeks since my worst nightmare became my new reality.
Four weeks that have past by in a blur of tears, unbearable sadness and trying to adjust to life without you. It is hard to put into words how I feel, but I will start with this. Broken, incomplete, devastated and sorry. Sorry that as your big sister, I wasn’t there to protect you. Sorry that I wasn’t there to stop you. Sorry that I wasn’t there to warn you of the dangers. Sorry that I didn’t spend more time with you while I had the chance. Sorry that I let life get in the way. Sorry for the memories that we will never get to make. Sorry that my life must go on when you have lost yours. So so sorry.
They say that time is a healer, that it will get easier. I try to believe them Marky, I really do. I hold on to the hope that maybe one day I will feel happy again because I know that is what you would want, but honestly, I am sceptical. I feel like I have lost a piece of me that I will never get back. I try to do things that previously made me happy, but it feels wrong. Please guide me. Please teach me how to continue to live my life without feelings of intense guilt and sadness.
I try to remember the happy times we spent together. The times we spent playing silly games with the little ones, our many family get-togethers and the incredible memories we made when we went to Paris with Kel. These memories still make me smile, but they now also make me cry. They make me cry because the chance for us to make more of these memories has now been snatched away from us ever so cruelly and suddenly.
It hurts that I will no longer have the chance to explore new cities and countries with you like we planned, it hurts that I won’t get to see you fall in love and start a family and it hurts that I won’t get to watch you grow into the successful and hard working young man I knew you would have become. It hurts so much.
I want to thank you Marky, because I feel incredibly lucky to have had you in my life for 18 years. Thank you for brightening up my days. Thank you for making it completely impossible to be sad around you. Thank you for the constant laughing fits that you caused in Paris. Thank you for being the best brother that us girls could wish for EVER.
Most of all, thank you for continuing to brighten up my days when I need it most by showing me that although you may not be here in person, you are still here with me in spirit. Please continue to come and see me in my dreams more often, I find it very comforting.
I hope you know how much you meant and always will mean to me, to all of us. You were and always will be our little ray of sunshine, the funniest person ever and my little baby brother. My life won’t be so joyful anymore, but I promise to live life for the both of us. I promise to be more like you because you made me so proud.
I will love you forever and I will miss you until we meet again.
Lots of love,